Kintsugi

I remember waking up next to you

in that safe space that was us together

I remember waking up with you there

and wanting to watch you always.

In the quiet of those mornings

I wanted nothing more

than to hold your broken heart

gently and lovingly for the rest of time.

I felt you there for me

in a cyclical love that had no start point, it just was.

I remember

waking up with you

our heads sharing the pillow 

surrounded by softness

both literal and emotional

the light of the day seeping in through the blinds

and the two of us

being the whole world

everyone and everything else

secondary to the love we'd found in each other.

I remember waking up and knowing we were there

together 

again

and nothing else mattering,

nothing.

I remember waking up in your bed

and seeing your eyes

so soft

so full

smiling at me

always

little moments

us together

everything.

It's broken, love

and I can't fix it all

but thank you for your trust.

I will hold your heart

and the memory of what was and what might have been

and those mornings

quiet and still

soft and loved

in balance

in truth

beyond

I will hold it all

as you held me

and as we were

those mornings.

Soft and gentle and full of love.

The Darkest Evening

I understand desperation

have my own demons I fight with

around wanting to connect

needing to be needed

aching to fill the empty

with touch

and sex

and something meaningful

so I understand

wanting to fill the dark days

with someone

anyone

something

because it will distract from the quiet that being alone leaves you with

because those are the moments

when you'll have to numb numb numb

in order not to hear

what needs to be heard

and feel

what needs to be felt

but numb you will

one way or another

chemically

physically

emotionally

I see the appeal, I do

I numb myself

mentally

but 

I dive in

I let the pain wash over me

as awful as that feels

as much as that makes me feel like death itself would be warmer

and easier

I dive in

I wade in it

sift through it

face it

so while I understand

desperation

I feel less and less of it

and I

will come out of this

better

the hard days mean something

and I will never blame for my discomfort

unlike you

stuck inside surface truths

I think you know better somewhere in there

I understand what you say

I understand why you say it

I hope your deflection

your avoidance

don't come back too harshly

don't slam you too hard against the truth

because I cared for you

in that space beyond these fears and lies

and I would hope

to see you back there

but I will not hold my breath

evidence suggests

your truth seeking expedition is not worth waiting

or hoping

for

maybe next time

maybe next round

maybe next life

I won't wait this time

but I think you know better

I really do

and I understand

why you are where you are

and why you did

what you did

despite

knowing better

somewhere in there

Mother Did It Need To Be So High?

I'm tired of mothers fucking up their sons

smothering 

abandoning

blaming

neglecting

I'm tired of fathers

beating the shit out of their sons

taking out the anger

passed on through generations

retreating

neglecting

it breaks things

it breaks people

I'm tired of broken women

wanting un-healed men

to fix them

and broken men

blaming un-healed women

for the pain they feel inside

we have to heal ourselves

we have to love each other

we have to let it in

we have to break it open

we have to end it

it starts within

it ends within

to do anything else

is selfish

and self-protective

and lets it just go on and on

and what kind of a life is that?

why are we here if not to make the change?

I'm tired of cycles staying whole

that should be broken

I'm tired of broken people

raising children

who grow into adults

who hurt each other

and make more children

who grow into adults

who don't know how to heal

I bet you think this song is about you, don't you?

The Winter Of My Discontent

there's a bite in the air
the kind that makes me say "snow's coming"
although it never really is

I can't share words anymore
I don't want it to seem attention seeking
although it never really is

have you ever seen leaves spin upwards
the wind taking them in twists and whorls they didn't think to expect?
far from here your life is spinning onwards
mine is too
I suppose
although I know the truth of that
whereas your truth is held quieter
kept even, perhaps
from your own internal dialogue

I have words, you see
and colours
movements
sensations and feelings
and energy to release
held in too long

there goes another leaf

it's me I can't figure out
spinning upwards
laughing, giddy
an intake of air as I try to grasp the nothing that I'm floating in

I am muzzled by my thinking
feeling that's the way to keep the peace with you
although it never really is

there's a bite in the air
the kind that makes me say "snow's coming"
although it never really is

And I Hope One Day To Forgive You

you turned away the possibility of connection

the knowledge that we would touch

and love

and intertwine our bodies and souls

naked and vulnerable

sighs and gasps and breath held

pleasure given and received

your fear

of repeating hurts

and discomforts

from your past

stole from us

from you

and me

those moments

those days

those times of connection

of intimacy

of love and love making

naked skin on skin

hands and fingers touching

stroking

pressing

kneading

gentle gentle

eliciting things never felt alone

such pleasure

true connection

a mingling of energies

pure bliss

contentment

happiness

not needing anything else

you

turned away from that

you gave it up

you took it away from us

you took away

the thing we both want most

in life

that love

that truth

that connection of hearts

Little Boy Lost

you hide your broken self so well

you think

you cover it with light and love

and words

carefully chosen

you're confused by the pull towards you

because you know what's underneath 

and are surprised 

at times frustrated 

that they want

want 

want

you're so open hearted

but carefully shielded

and you push yourself ever onwards because stopping

means feeling

and feeling

is scary

and difficult

I know

I know 

keep it covered

easy now 

easy

but I

I see your broken

your hurt

your wounding

your need

and I 

want to dig my hands into the middle of it

deep in your chest

I want to dig my hands into it

and mould it

shape it

change it

make it better

better

better

true

because I 

see the light underneath it all

through all your shit

light and golden

and I

see the way you are meant to be 

want to be

my hands

your dark

hurt no more

but man

trust is scary

I know

and scarier still when the ones you trusted

made it worse

added to

the hurt

the wounding

the broken and the dark

and all the ones drawn to you

take take take

give little

confounding you

time and again

but

I 

am not them

I will never be

but you

need to trust

need to jump

need to know

this is an opportunity

who knows how many you will have

because somewhere

deep inside

you know it's true

and that scares you

brings all the dark up to the surface

which really

is when it's easiest

for me to reach

but harder for you to breathe through

and then there's this...

this truth that I should tell you

I see through you now

I always did

in a way

but now

in this

you've shown me more than you intended

and I see through your covers

and shields

I see through you

to you

that you you are

so

face the challenge

I promise it's worth it

you give too much

don't allow it in

but I felt the cracks

and I seeped in

you know this

you felt this

but another... you think you won't survive and so 

triggered 

you pushed away

but I'm in there now

underneath it all

and if you won't let me dig into the dark

then the me

that is there

will fill the cracks

automatically

golden glow

I warned you

you know

and the part of you that wants to be more

saw me

knew me

felt me

and rejoiced

kept me close

and true

but hey

don't worry

I'll let you go

you started this

you ended this

I won't chase you

I know what we have

but if you know

and still won't do the work?

that's on you

and I deserve better

and you deserve more than what you're giving yourself

and how you're living

you started this

you needed me

you found me

and I understand fear

but I'm not it

I'm never it