Wednesday, November 25, 2015

The Darkest Evening

I understand desperation
have my own demons I fight with
around wanting to connect
needing to be needed
aching to fill the empty
with touch
and sex
and something meaningful
so I understand
wanting to fill the dark days
with someone
because it will distract from the quiet that being alone leaves you with
because those are the moments
when you'll have to numb numb numb
in order not to hear
what needs to be heard
and feel
what needs to be felt
but numb you will
one way or another
I see the appeal, I do
I numb myself

I dive in
I let the pain wash over me
as awful as that feels
as much as that makes me feel like death itself would be warmer
and easier
I dive in
I wade in it
sift through it
face it
so while I understand
I feel less and less of it
and I
will come out of this
the hard days mean something
and I will never blame for my discomfort
unlike you
stuck inside surface truths
I think you know better somewhere in there
I understand what you say
I understand why you say it
I hope your deflection
your avoidance
don't come back too harshly
don't slam you too hard against the truth
because I cared for you
in that space beyond these fears and lies
and I would hope
to see you back there
but I will not hold my breath
evidence suggests
your truth seeking expedition is not worth waiting
or hoping
maybe next time
maybe next round
maybe next life
I won't wait this time
but I think you know better
I really do
and I understand
why you are where you are
and why you did
what you did
knowing better

somewhere in there

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