Friday, November 30, 2018

You've Given Me A Lot To Think About

“You’ve Given Me A Lot To Think About”

Sound echoes when the air's this heavy
and they call it "mist"
but I think it's the pain of all our losses
making its way back down to the ground.

Do you ever wonder
about the slow disintegration
the water's making 
one
small
droplet 
at a time?

Because people travel to the Grand Canyon
to marvel at its depth
but they don't sit and stare
at their own backyard
falling away
a nanometer a minute.

I am really tired 
of standing where I do
and being collateral damage
over
and
over
and over

“So MOVE!”
they shout
but I get grabbed
again and again
and eyes and lips
and words beg
beg beg me to stay.


(“Please?”)



I lessen the damage
when you roll a low, low number
and I take the hits
just like you asked
but also the ones 
you seem to ignore.
I am bowled over by the wake
and stuck deep under the wash
and you stand on my back
to get to the air.

Is it a mark of your ignorance
or the bliss you find therein
that you look at me with confusion
as I tell you I trust you not at all
while I carefully tend
to the wound you gave me
which sits next to another
and another
and another
and more?

I am tired of being the ladder you climb
to your own salvation
while saying words
you think
mean more than your actions.

Sound echoes when the air’s this heavy
and the pain of my losses
drips slowly slowly slow
as I make my way
back down to the ground.

I am my own Grand Landscape
carved away 
forever changed
one droplet at a time.

Monday, August 27, 2018

Fragments

My heart has been broken
in so many pieces
so many times
I'm sometimes surprised
there's anything left

but I piece it back together
again and again
with emotional duct tape
and I soldier on
ever onwards
seeking something I'm not sure
even exists

this phantom heart
made
they say
to buoy mine
may turn out to be
the ultimate illusion
the Loch Ness Big Foot Dragon-asaur of my existence 

and I'm starting to wonder
if every time
my heart shatters
I lose
one
more
necessary 
piece
of a soon to be lost entirely
whole

fragments of me
left all over
ground into the finest of dusts
coating everything.

Saturday, April 07, 2018

Laisser

pieces of you everywhere
waking me from calm
moments of your presence
filling silences I'd like left empty
a hundred hundreds we share and know
and yours are mine and mine aren't new to you
but how much longer
will this haunting continue
where you and
your memory - 
a word
place
time
photo
whispers in my ear-
catch me blissful
and unaware
reminding me of the pain
the hurt
the missing
that I've tried oh so hard
to put away

people change in increments
when you're watching them day by day
but the leaps and bounds of unknown personalities
will throw you off every time
when you're away
living a life built to bring you back together
stepping over and around
the pieces of you
scattered everywhere
forcing me
to watch my step
lest my cadence be thrown off
yet again
by your ghost

Saturday, March 03, 2018

This Is My Winter Song To You

They're brining the streets;
the thin lines 
striping my way home,
leading me towards 
rest
and my heart.

You feel it differently than I do,
the cold,
It bites at you directly
while it just tickles my cheeks
and fingers.
Your layers get cut through
while mine buffer, protect, encase.

It's cold in here without you though
and we're better off end to end,
not stealing breaths,
not heavily trapped.

It was months ago now
that the wind made the streets confetti lined
and soon
the buds
and their unfurling 
will bring us spring
and the cold
will retreat,
hang silently in the air, with patience and tiny reachings
and the streets 
won't be brined
to stripe my way home towards rest
and my heart.

Friday, January 05, 2018

Fair Shot

you came in wounded
dripping blood all over my heart
and started out with driving home the point of 
no
not ever
don't even breathe those words, that thought.
But you said sweet things
and I believed you
and you took on roles
and I believed you
and you held me close
and I believed you
and I
I lifted you up
and held you close
and I
believed in you
whole heartedly.

But we never had a chance.
We never had a shot at what's now been thrown away
and I put that on them
and you
and the lies you forgot to clarify
and you insult me regularly - daily
with your insistence on how everyone but me
is what I know I am
and what you shouldn't be stupid enough to miss

we were broken from the start
and now and again
we refresh
renew
a slate not cleaned perhaps
but flipped 
and ready to be written on
anew



Thursday, January 04, 2018

Getting Warm

I can't think of anything you could say
that would make me start to trust you again
I really can't
So while the hens sit and chitter to each other
cluck cluck clucking away about the grand meaning of it all
I sit here yelling at you in my head
too polite
too realistic
to yell at you anywhere else.

It was time you said you needed
so time you've had
a lifetime's worth
yet again
and meanwhile 
lives moved on
lives moved on
lives moved on and over and through and both nothing and everything has changed

really
both nothing and everything has changed

Audacity

a word he keeps using 
and now I may have to turn towards you
if you have the audacity to want to be a friend now
Now?  After all the things said and not said
done and undone
after the way you spoke
and treated
and asked for things beyond what's fair
or kind
or nice at all

You were the one who told me you were grown up
and could play with the other side of the room
You were the one who told me
that this time, THIS time you meant it
for real
and I would be the one
you knew I was
for you
grown up
and

truthful

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Signing A Death Warrant

You can't actually sign them
til the thing/
person/
relationship
is dead
but you can write them up
before the death -
during the slow,
painful,
life altering
decline

Four years
four years of knowing
four years of lies
four years of absolute bullshit
disguised as earnestness
when needed
when deemed necessary
when pushed to an edge
four years of this
a life shoved into a box
a champion betrayed
for a love
never to be understood
always to be pain filled
two children
so enraptured in their fairy tale
they ignore the carnage
their story leaves behind
Is this the point where I say the loss of you
has been overshadowed by the loss of myself
as I tried to keep you alive and well?
Is this the point
where I say the loss of what never was
splits evenly
between your deceit
and my hopefulness
and belief in what you're not
anymore
and likely never were?