Sunday, June 29, 2014

"Why Don't You Own It?"

He asked me why I don't own my sexuality. And I didn't really know how to answer.
But the question's been hovering at the back of my mind since he asked it, and I think I need to figure it out
Not just because it's time
But also because it's time
Because I'm stepping into things
and I need to know why
I need to know what they mean to me
where I'm strong
why I'm strong
how I'm strong.

It makes me panicky to think about it
(But then again, this could be one of those days when everything makes me panicky)

What am I afraid of? Honestly?

Being judged.
By family, friends,
other women, I think... mainly.. yeah, women.

I'm afraid of women calling me a whore
women thinking I'm a slut
women judging me
and saying I'm letting men
use my body
for their pleasure

And maybe I'm afraid of letting men use my body for their pleasure
Why is that a fear?

Because then they're just using me
they're not caring about me
who I am
what I think
my beliefs
they're just using my body
to jerk off
to cum
to think nasty thoughts about
to take pleasure from

And I didn't want that to be
what my body
was used for


and so if I feel like
I'm just being used
by people
it doesn't feel right

but if I'm part of something bigger
part of
a statement?

if I'm part of making art somehow?
saying something
with a different shot
body that's not what's necessarily the norm
my body
and a lens
or my words
and my thoughts being shared
can make something
the rest of it all?
beyond what the fears inside my head tell me "they" will think?
then that feels


I guess that's probably presumptuous of me
or naive
not a model
I'm not a photographer
I’m not a writer
(or so the voices in my head like to tell me)

so, then I don't know what it means
and I'm
not sure
how I feel.


but thinking about it
and talking about it

But can I answer his question yet... why don't I own my sexuality?


I can't quite answer that
except that I'm maybe not sure what I'd do with it if I did.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

I Feel Lucky Today

With regards to Gender and Sexuality, I've often said I feel fortunate that I fit pretty simply into the mould

I like the gender I'm “supposed” to like.
I identify in the body I've been born into.
My sexual choices are straightforward and easy. "Normal."

Not that normal is anything other than a statistical creation but it is complicated enough finding a solid relationship within the norms I was born with. I can't imagine how much more difficult it would be to find a solid relationship if I was attracted to women, or if I felt I wasn't in the right gendered body, or if I felt I did not have a gender or was asexual or even just felt I was something that is considered "not normal."

But this isn't about me. This is about the person who came to me
and felt safe enough to share their truth
with me

I only hope that their choosing to share with me made their load just a little bit lighter and their life just a little freer.

I feel fortunate that I fit pretty simply into the mould.
But I feel blessed
so blessed and lucky
that someone who doesn't

came to me
be real
to speak up
to stand tall in their truth
and to come out
for the first time
out loud.

I’m pretty lucky.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Everything I'm Not

My thighs are a landscape of cottage cheese lumps and I don't like people to see that they're not smooth
or perfect
or thin

My breasts hang heavy
criss-crossed with the veins that lie wild and maze-like
under my Scottish-white skin
they do not perk upwards
or even perk at all
and I don't like people to see that they're not small or pretty
I would rather keep their weighty imperfection to myself

My face didn't use to look this way
these wrinkles
and scars
that freckle that's turning out to be a mole of potential concern
next to the frown line my mouth is forming when I don't think I frown that much, am happy I think, most of the time
which only just
draws attention away from the double chin
and sagging jowls
I thought only old ladies got

I have not carried a child
in my womb
can not say that this body is shaped by the push of motherhood
this body is just shaped by life
these thick thighs are my birthright
as are these calves
that do not fit into sexy boots

Clothes hide the softness where my stomach used to be
smooth and prideful
certain jeans sculpt the behind
I've never really liked
keeps the fat encased
and hidden

I've only ever lived in this one body
ever looking outwards
comparing it to the
smaller ones
younger ones
taller ones
tighter ones
blonder ones
curvier ones
straighter ones
perkier ones
sexier ones
with the eyes that draw you in
and hold your attention
while you drag your chin on the floor begging for just one touch

I have never appreciated
what I was given
and it's hard to start now when I feel bombarded by bodies
half my age
half my size
who point out how fat they feel
in their own skin
and I just want to cry
cry for them
for not seeing their own beauty
and obvious thinness
cry for me
because maybe I'm just doing the same thing
have always done the same thing
did the same thing at their age

I don't know
it's just hard


I am none of these things
I do not like my shape

and how am I supposed to feel sexy
when all I see is this
and them

and no one's telling me any different

Monday, June 16, 2014


I look different
after being with him
in the mirror

get more looks and smiles
when I walk down the street

last time we were intimate
people at work
for days
complimented me on the gorgeous shirts I was wearing
how they
brought out my eyes

I'd worn those shirts before
twenty times maybe
but they'd never noticed
until now


Saturday, June 14, 2014

Wednesday, June 11, 2014