After My Shower

I put his hoodie on to be warm

to carry him with me 

against my heart

to feel him near

against my skin

my hair

long and wet against the grey cotton blend of his hoodie

the fabric

slightly rough

against my shoulders

back

hips and breasts

held by my curves 

I put his hoodie on to be warm

to cover my nakedness

to have

something that belongs to him

on me

to remind me we are still connected 

by these threads

I put his hoodie on to be warm

and saw myself then in the mirror

naked

but for his hoodie 

my legs the only skin exposed

(from toes to thighs)

the rest hidden

found myself suddenly 

surprisingly 

sexy 

my body

in something larger

and more masculine

than I'd usually wear

the sleeves too long

the length too short

I think it was the size of it

and seeing a visual representation

of how I feel when I'm with him

small and safe

comfortable and comforted in a way I can only describe as perfect

and then the knowing that were he here

he could lift up the bottom of his hoodie

to expose

what's barely hidden underneath 

and I

could then be

all his

naked and warm 

in his hoodie

Crumbling

Do you ever have those dreams where your teeth fall out?  And you just stand there, catching them in the palm of your hand as they fall and crumble, cascading out of what should have been your very solid gums?  In this dream you’re helpless.  All you do is watch the teeth collect in your hand and it's the most disturbing feeling; that you're decaying…and there’s nothing to be done because it’s happening, no matter your panic or desire to make it stop.

My entire self is falling apart right now.  I'm standing here watching parts of me crumble and fall to the ground and I'm bewildered as to what I should do.  

I keep picking the pieces back up off the ground to try to stick them back on only to have them crumble off again or sometimes even while still under my fingers and I keep looking up to see who'll help me but everyone's just walking on by because they can't see this happening.  No one’s noticing.  From the outside, I look just fine.

No one can see me crumbling apart and I am panicking because if it all falls away it might mean there's nothing left of me.  

Now, it might, alternately, mean the revealing of my Golden Buddha, (the covering having been chipped away enough to start to crumble) but either way it's unnerving.  I’m losing pieces of myself and as they slough off the process speeds up.  My eyes are getting whiter, my breathing is becoming more shallow; I am not handling this well. 

I’m in a ball right now, trying to use the pressure of what’s left of me to keep the remaining pieces on but they’re turning to dust and

I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to get to the other side of this or even what other side there might be.  Or not.  This might be it somehow.

The End of Something.

I'm falling apart.  Crumbling.  I’m trying to hold it all together but it's quicksand beneath my fingers and I don't know what to do.

I AM NOT ME ANYMORE

And I don't know what to do.

A Beauty In The Bath

"A Beauty in the Bath"

I'd forgotten all about this shoot and this photo until last night.

Model: The lovely L.

Home

I came back from Away

and things had tilt-shifted just enough

to not make sense

and this morning he went for work

to a

different Away

and I slid on his hoodie

and swam in it

it being large enough 

to swallow me up

the way I

would swallow him

I slid on his hoodie

naked against my skin

the same skin he caressed

and touched

and took an I.O.U out on

for continued

loving

touching

feeling

time

because he said it himself

it is my drug

his touch

and so I sat there this morning

the secret of his hoodie

wrapped around me

sure in myself

he loves me 

and is coming home

away from home

and I will slide against him

into his lap

clothed

but close

and quiet

and

connected

and it's different with him

because I let it be

A Grounding

We're learning each other.

Or perhaps, more truthfully, he's learning me

I woke up anxious the other day

Just... out of nowhere

first thought?  Worry

And I tried to put it away but it just wouldn't go... this free floating worry

and before I went home I asked if I could sit with him for a minute 

so we sat

and I started to cry as I told him I was worried about this and that

and the other and more and why and 

he took my wrist

He took my wrist and held it

firm

and I took a deep breath

and settled

him holding me

grounded me

and I wasn't worried anymore

I was

drifting in a calm space

a most effective drug - his touch

and then later

once I had calmed

more significantly than I would have imagined

he reached over

stroked my cheek with a finger

and I melted into him

I felt as if I were a cat, 

purring

the sun on my neck

his finger

gentle on my cheek, 

stroking, soothing, loving

all right with the world.