"Acceptance"

The challenge was to  "write about acceptance"

and for a fleeting moment I smiled to myself; thought of all the wonderful things I've accepted since I met the man who became my Capital Letter 

and then it left me, that sense of calm 

and I've struggled all week with the feeling of just how much and in how many ways I do not have acceptance

I am nothing but lack of acceptance

I can not accept the clear and obvious truths put in front of me about my current situation

I can not accept the deterioration of my own self worth

I can not accept how it is and has been and will probably continue to be

I can not accept how little I trust

I can not accept that I need more than I'm receiving

I am full of all the things I can not and have not accepted and I am nothing but struggle and hurt and upset.

Is admitting all this a form of acceptance?  

"I accept the things I can not change", but how does that not just keep us stuck?  Is my hope keeping me stuck in a nasty spot or have I just accepted this is what it is and that is what is keeping me stuck

Do I not feel I deserve any better or do I just accept that there is no better?

Am I holding on to the devil I know rather than reaching for the devil I don't?

Do I accept what feels bad because I believe it will get better?

What the fuck is acceptance anyway... "recognizing a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest."

So now I'm some kind of genius because I know I'm in shitty situations?  Why is this making me angry?  Isn't acceptance supposed to give and bring me peace?

So do I just sit here

angry and sad

and accept that?

Accept that I have never been loved the way I love?

Accept that this may never happen?

Accept that me saying this may never happen may make it never happen?

Accept that I have no idea what I'm doing?

What do I do about hating the truths of my life... what do I do if accepting how things are makes me nothing but angry and sad?

I don't know anymore.  I don't know right now.

I saw a concert last night and the artist sung the pain right out of my heart and I accepted

for just a moment

that living with pain is something my great big heart may just always have to do

And if it didn't hurt so much

it might be easier to accept.

An Oasis (Edges)

I am hovering at my own edge

pulled back by the day to day

pulled forward as the moments give time 

but the space is vibrant

and I want to be on the other side of this

to throw myself off the edge and have it over with 

done

for the shattering to have occurred 

the tears

emptied

drop after drop after drop

a torrent no longer held back by what if

dam broken

painhurtsadnessangerloss flooding me empty

Which makes me ask 

am I holding myself at this edge

knowing I have to be in check

have to function

Monday to Friday

Nine to Five

Hello, How Are You, Thank You, Yes, Please Do

This concern that I can't be at the bottom of the fall and be normal

so I don't let myself go?

Or is this yet another excuse?

Am I... somehow attempting to climb down rather than being pushed by life

and am I just as scared as I've ever been?

Let's run away together, you and I

metaphorically speaking

let's run away together into our own bubble

our own together

our own time where we're all there is

a happy little duo

pretending 

just for a moment 

that there's nothing that matters but us

our breath

our light

our love laughter spirit souls energy time skin touch joy

and we shall play

and be

and forget about edges and shatterings and the broken bits that are too sharp to walk on I will be there for you

egde or not

I would pull you out of it if you wouldn't just slide back into it but I will be there

I am already there

I found my way out years ago

and now I'm on an edge

you've been there too, this edge

our stories just ran opposite

and in passing, you low, I high, we met it seems 

so

we can run away together

right before I jump

and you

start to climb

the slippery walls

back out

we'll meet back on solid ground

my bottom

your top

both of us better

more solid

and found

then hand in hand

new adventures

and edges

always edges

and

be there to catch

just in case it's too far

you're the one who told me be in the moment

you're the one who showed me the moment physically

when you focussed me on nothing but the task

nothing but the sensation

nothing but the searing and the good and the difficult

and the you can do this

did you forget?

were you not there in those moments with me?

did you not lose yourself for hours in the sensation yourself

the physical

the reality of

my lips

your skin

do you remember now?

I know the way up from where you are

you know it's ok to free fall from this edge

we need each other

I know I'm ok without you

I know you think you're ok without me

but I'm better

with you

and I think you're better with me

we're decades apart

in the same spots reversed

and my journey

is far more enjoyable than yours

but no less frightening

no less intimidating

and no less hard work

it's just different

and I hope you see how I'm meant to make you better

because right now you're fly against the window stuck

and I'm right here

next to the open door                                                                                                               

Moving Down The Alphabet

I wonder...

Did I actually love my "first love"?

I loved around him
I loved of him
I
gave myself to him

I wanted him to love me
and he did

in a way

I believe

But I do not think I loved him like this
And maybe that is 20 years of living
20 years of growing up
and growth
or maybe it is what this love and I have built

the time
the trust
the
being there even though

my trusting him

and he constantly pushing me
and pushing limits
pushing buttons
but holding me
mentally
physically
when I needed him to

maybe this is the first time I've been in love ever
or maybe just this kind of love
this real
of a love

The Broken Bits

These are the times I bite my tongue

step carefully around the broken bits

calm myself

despite the hurt

anger

disappointment

because I want him to want to come to me

and me speaking my truth when it's bitter and fermented

won't draw him to me

will just 

relieve my frustration

for a moment

or two

until I realize he doesn't want to come to me right now no matter the words

be they sweet and spoken in love

or

bitter

and spoken in anger

so I swallow them

(the hurting words)

and instead let them swirl in my head

collecting others in their path

their vortex

growing exponentially

the words and thoughts getting angrier and angrier and all tangled up in each other until I can sleep it off

and sleep them away

These are the times I bite my tongue

don't send the angry words his way

I fight the thoughts myself

be they true or not

I fight them off

as they attack and attack and attack and I fight with my back against my own damn wall because then there's only one way for them to get at me

even though the wall itself stings

and bruises

and leaks bile onto me

I bite my tongue

take the angry back into myself

and save him

yet again

from something he doesn't know is there

Because either this is what you do 

when the one you love

is wading too deeply in the broken bits to take your angry words and smooth them out, sift them through the mesh of their heart and take you as you are on better days

or this is what you do

when you should be seeking more

elsewhere

just like the angry thoughts

keep telling you to do

but you're too stubborn

and scared

to do it

The Fall

I fell into you

metaphorically speaking.

I fell into you in the way you fall into a deep dark well.

It was a most terrifying fall;
a seemingly endless, breathless struggle to make it stop
my hands scrabbling at the slippery, moss covered walls
as I slid, slid, slid down

fear high in my gorge

choking me as I tried to slow my descent
expecting a brutal impact
to hurt me at the bottom

and then
unknowingly
fighting against you for the longest time
before I realized
you
had in fact
caught me

were holding me safe

I had not hit

I was not hurt

you had not let me
had always been there
safe at the bottom of that deep, long well

so I curled into your arms
and you held me close
as I cried away the fear of that fall






To Transcend means "to rise above or go beyond the limits of"
according to the ones who know

and with you
I found transcendence.

So many limits
so many fears

....to have you over me
...to feel you
smothering me
...to let you
push me there
again
and again
and again
when I didn't believe I could
but trusted
that you would catch me
if I couldn't

I am more now
than I was when you first walked into my world

and when I look back up
to see who pushed me down this well?
who forced me to fall fall fall all the way down into fear?
I see there's no one there but an echo of me

the me who knew better
who wanted more
who wanted transcendence.

Which means I pushed myself

I jumped
somehow
and trusted
that you
wouldn't let me break.


With you I have risen above the limits of myself
I have gone beyond the limits of my fear

my fall into you lifted me higher
than I ever thought I could go
made me
transcendentally stronger
than any other love
has ever done

The Sir in you
the Top
the Dom
the Daddy and the Safe Bringer of Pain
has made me more more more
than I knew I could be

So when I say "I fell in love with Him"
It's the best damn fall
I've ever taken

and while I wonder still
at times
what it is in you
I saw
and
knew
and trusted enough
to fall for
I’m incredibly grateful
for whatever it is my higher self did see
and loved
(and winked at, I believe)
as she pushed me
lovingly, and gently,
but firmly and with determination
towards the fall that would lead me to your safe, strong arms and heart
and my own
personal
transcendence.