Tuesday, October 28, 2014


The challenge was to  "write about acceptance"

and for a fleeting moment I smiled to myself; thought of all the wonderful things I've accepted since I met the man who became my Capital Letter 

and then it left me, that sense of calm 
and I've struggled all week with the feeling of just how much and in how many ways I do not have acceptance

I am nothing but lack of acceptance

I can not accept the clear and obvious truths put in front of me about my current situation
I can not accept the deterioration of my own self worth
I can not accept how it is and has been and will probably continue to be
I can not accept how little I trust
I can not accept that I need more than I'm receiving

I am full of all the things I can not and have not accepted and I am nothing but struggle and hurt and upset.

Is admitting all this a form of acceptance?  

"I accept the things I can not change", but how does that not just keep us stuck?  Is my hope keeping me stuck in a nasty spot or have I just accepted this is what it is and that is what is keeping me stuck

Do I not feel I deserve any better or do I just accept that there is no better?

Am I holding on to the devil I know rather than reaching for the devil I don't?

Do I accept what feels bad because I believe it will get better?

What the fuck is acceptance anyway... "recognizing a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest."

So now I'm some kind of genius because I know I'm in shitty situations?  Why is this making me angry?  Isn't acceptance supposed to give and bring me peace?

So do I just sit here
angry and sad
and accept that?
Accept that I have never been loved the way I love?
Accept that this may never happen?
Accept that me saying this may never happen may make it never happen?
Accept that I have no idea what I'm doing?

What do I do about hating the truths of my life... what do I do if accepting how things are makes me nothing but angry and sad?

I don't know anymore.  I don't know right now.

I saw a concert last night and the artist sung the pain right out of my heart and I accepted
for just a moment
that living with pain is something my great big heart may just always have to do

And if it didn't hurt so much

it might be easier to accept.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

An Oasis (Edges)

I am hovering at my own edge
pulled back by the day to day
pulled forward as the moments give time 
but the space is vibrant
and I want to be on the other side of this
to throw myself off the edge and have it over with 
for the shattering to have occurred 
the tears
drop after drop after drop
a torrent no longer held back by what if
dam broken
painhurtsadnessangerloss flooding me empty

Which makes me ask 
am I holding myself at this edge
knowing I have to be in check
have to function
Monday to Friday
Nine to Five
Hello, How Are You, Thank You, Yes, Please Do
This concern that I can't be at the bottom of the fall and be normal
so I don't let myself go?
Or is this yet another excuse?
Am I... somehow attempting to climb down rather than being pushed by life
and am I just as scared as I've ever been?

Let's run away together, you and I
metaphorically speaking
let's run away together into our own bubble
our own together
our own time where we're all there is
a happy little duo
just for a moment 
that there's nothing that matters but us
our breath
our light
our love laughter spirit souls energy time skin touch joy
and we shall play
and be
and forget about edges and shatterings and the broken bits that are too sharp to walk on I will be there for you
egde or not
I would pull you out of it if you wouldn't just slide back into it but I will be there
I am already there
I found my way out years ago
and now I'm on an edge
you've been there too, this edge
our stories just ran opposite
and in passing, you low, I high, we met it seems 
we can run away together
right before I jump
and you
start to climb
the slippery walls
back out

we'll meet back on solid ground
my bottom
your top
both of us better
more solid
and found

then hand in hand
new adventures
and edges
always edges
be there to catch
just in case it's too far

you're the one who told me be in the moment
you're the one who showed me the moment physically
when you focussed me on nothing but the task
nothing but the sensation
nothing but the searing and the good and the difficult
and the you can do this
did you forget?
were you not there in those moments with me?
did you not lose yourself for hours in the sensation yourself
the physical
the reality of
my lips
your skin
do you remember now?

I know the way up from where you are
you know it's ok to free fall from this edge
we need each other
I know I'm ok without you
I know you think you're ok without me
but I'm better
with you
and I think you're better with me

we're decades apart
in the same spots reversed
and my journey
is far more enjoyable than yours
but no less frightening
no less intimidating
and no less hard work
it's just different
and I hope you see how I'm meant to make you better
because right now you're fly against the window stuck
and I'm right here
next to the open door                                                                                                               

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Moving Down The Alphabet

I wonder...

Did I actually love my "first love"?

I loved around him
I loved of him
gave myself to him

I wanted him to love me
and he did

in a way

I believe

But I do not think I loved him like this
And maybe that is 20 years of living
20 years of growing up
and growth
or maybe it is what this love and I have built

the time
the trust
being there even though

my trusting him

and he constantly pushing me
and pushing limits
pushing buttons
but holding me
when I needed him to

maybe this is the first time I've been in love ever
or maybe just this kind of love
this real
of a love

Tuesday, October 07, 2014

The Broken Bits

These are the times I bite my tongue
step carefully around the broken bits

calm myself

despite the hurt

because I want him to want to come to me
and me speaking my truth when it's bitter and fermented
won't draw him to me

will just 
relieve my frustration

for a moment

or two
until I realize he doesn't want to come to me right now no matter the words
be they sweet and spoken in love
and spoken in anger

so I swallow them
(the hurting words)
and instead let them swirl in my head
collecting others in their path
their vortex
growing exponentially
the words and thoughts getting angrier and angrier and all tangled up in each other until I can sleep it off
and sleep them away

These are the times I bite my tongue

don't send the angry words his way
I fight the thoughts myself
be they true or not
I fight them off
as they attack and attack and attack and I fight with my back against my own damn wall because then there's only one way for them to get at me
even though the wall itself stings
and bruises
and leaks bile onto me

I bite my tongue

take the angry back into myself
and save him

yet again
from something he doesn't know is there

Because either this is what you do 
when the one you love
is wading too deeply in the broken bits to take your angry words and smooth them out, sift them through the mesh of their heart and take you as you are on better days

or this is what you do

when you should be seeking more
just like the angry thoughts
keep telling you to do
but you're too stubborn
and scared

to do it

Sunday, October 05, 2014

The Fall

I fell into you

metaphorically speaking.

I fell into you in the way you fall into a deep dark well.

It was a most terrifying fall;
a seemingly endless, breathless struggle to make it stop
my hands scrabbling at the slippery, moss covered walls
as I slid, slid, slid down

fear high in my gorge

choking me as I tried to slow my descent
expecting a brutal impact
to hurt me at the bottom

and then
fighting against you for the longest time
before I realized
had in fact
caught me

were holding me safe

I had not hit

I was not hurt

you had not let me
had always been there
safe at the bottom of that deep, long well

so I curled into your arms
and you held me close
as I cried away the fear of that fall

To Transcend means "to rise above or go beyond the limits of"
according to the ones who know

and with you
I found transcendence.

So many limits
so many fears

....to have you over me
...to feel you
smothering me
...to let you
push me there
and again
and again
when I didn't believe I could
but trusted
that you would catch me
if I couldn't

I am more now
than I was when you first walked into my world

and when I look back up
to see who pushed me down this well?
who forced me to fall fall fall all the way down into fear?
I see there's no one there but an echo of me

the me who knew better
who wanted more
who wanted transcendence.

Which means I pushed myself

I jumped
and trusted
that you
wouldn't let me break.

With you I have risen above the limits of myself
I have gone beyond the limits of my fear

my fall into you lifted me higher
than I ever thought I could go
made me
transcendentally stronger
than any other love
has ever done

The Sir in you
the Top
the Dom
the Daddy and the Safe Bringer of Pain
has made me more more more
than I knew I could be

So when I say "I fell in love with Him"
It's the best damn fall
I've ever taken

and while I wonder still
at times
what it is in you
I saw
and trusted enough
to fall for
I’m incredibly grateful
for whatever it is my higher self did see
and loved
(and winked at, I believe)
as she pushed me
lovingly, and gently,
but firmly and with determination
towards the fall that would lead me to your safe, strong arms and heart
and my own