Tuesday, October 28, 2014


The challenge was to  "write about acceptance"

and for a fleeting moment I smiled to myself; thought of all the wonderful things I've accepted since I met the man who became my Capital Letter 

and then it left me, that sense of calm 
and I've struggled all week with the feeling of just how much and in how many ways I do not have acceptance

I am nothing but lack of acceptance

I can not accept the clear and obvious truths put in front of me about my current situation
I can not accept the deterioration of my own self worth
I can not accept how it is and has been and will probably continue to be
I can not accept how little I trust
I can not accept that I need more than I'm receiving

I am full of all the things I can not and have not accepted and I am nothing but struggle and hurt and upset.

Is admitting all this a form of acceptance?  

"I accept the things I can not change", but how does that not just keep us stuck?  Is my hope keeping me stuck in a nasty spot or have I just accepted this is what it is and that is what is keeping me stuck

Do I not feel I deserve any better or do I just accept that there is no better?

Am I holding on to the devil I know rather than reaching for the devil I don't?

Do I accept what feels bad because I believe it will get better?

What the fuck is acceptance anyway... "recognizing a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest."

So now I'm some kind of genius because I know I'm in shitty situations?  Why is this making me angry?  Isn't acceptance supposed to give and bring me peace?

So do I just sit here
angry and sad
and accept that?
Accept that I have never been loved the way I love?
Accept that this may never happen?
Accept that me saying this may never happen may make it never happen?
Accept that I have no idea what I'm doing?

What do I do about hating the truths of my life... what do I do if accepting how things are makes me nothing but angry and sad?

I don't know anymore.  I don't know right now.

I saw a concert last night and the artist sung the pain right out of my heart and I accepted
for just a moment
that living with pain is something my great big heart may just always have to do

And if it didn't hurt so much

it might be easier to accept.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Thank you for your comments.