Tuesday, October 07, 2014

The Broken Bits

These are the times I bite my tongue
step carefully around the broken bits

calm myself

despite the hurt

because I want him to want to come to me
and me speaking my truth when it's bitter and fermented
won't draw him to me

will just 
relieve my frustration

for a moment

or two
until I realize he doesn't want to come to me right now no matter the words
be they sweet and spoken in love
and spoken in anger

so I swallow them
(the hurting words)
and instead let them swirl in my head
collecting others in their path
their vortex
growing exponentially
the words and thoughts getting angrier and angrier and all tangled up in each other until I can sleep it off
and sleep them away

These are the times I bite my tongue

don't send the angry words his way
I fight the thoughts myself
be they true or not
I fight them off
as they attack and attack and attack and I fight with my back against my own damn wall because then there's only one way for them to get at me
even though the wall itself stings
and bruises
and leaks bile onto me

I bite my tongue

take the angry back into myself
and save him

yet again
from something he doesn't know is there

Because either this is what you do 
when the one you love
is wading too deeply in the broken bits to take your angry words and smooth them out, sift them through the mesh of their heart and take you as you are on better days

or this is what you do

when you should be seeking more
just like the angry thoughts
keep telling you to do
but you're too stubborn
and scared

to do it

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