Saturday, October 31, 2015

Out Of Touch

I wrote this, it caused a reaction, so I took it down.  Sometimes your words and your truth are too much for others to handle, sometimes they shift too many things in people in ways you hadn't intended.  But now, two weeks later, the end of what this started has occurred, so I'm putting my words back up.  Because they're MY truth.  And maybe they'll help someone heal.  And maybe that someone will be me

Ahhh how things can change
in a month, two, all the ups have slipped to memory
felt sense no more
and the fear thoughts, the un-happies,  insecurities, the reality nudges all mumble louder and louder and
too much time
with thoughts 
stuck in my own head
and not enough
of what's wanted
needed? no, helpful,
it all piles up
adds up

so change is needed
and that's my realm I hear
hoping not to have to
and hoping it's positive
not reductive

it feels difficult
whatever it is
and I'm unsure if I'm to do this one utterly alone
or alone but
at least not unaware
sideline support I hope
this doesn't feel like it should be all on me
but it's all on me
right now
it seems
choice I made
I guess
when I jumped
said yes to it
it being so very right

which unfortunately tends to reinforce the pause I usually take
in other things
the pause of safety and caution
because were I able to do so in the realm of my heart
perhaps I would not
so often
find myself here
head between hands
facing fears and uncertainties

I don't understand
what it is I'm supposed to learn
if I lose this one
(because that's the secondary fear, or is it the primary... it's hard to tell you see)
is it a big picture or a little picture lesson I didn't heed

am I to trust and share but walk it on my own
or keep it close, do the work, and perhaps not be as close
for now
to last the while

I want it all
but reality isn't
and no one's making a decision like a Montague might
because work
and income
and family
and fear

someone once told me that no relationship works until the one that does
and as much as I want this one
to be that one
I don't trust myself enough
some days
to know I'm right
so I doubt
and I try to overcome that

and I dislike
and dis-enjoy what I miss, what I wish, what I want, would like

do you know in six days, do you really? the cynical mutters
I say yes
I do
I swear I know
is hard
because I've made mistakes before
and what if I've not changed 
to not have made them
this time again

so I pause
and I breathe
and I push myself on

faith, which is fading
quickly some days,
holding it all up myself
-how it feels
fuels the doubt and
they tell me I'm wrong
and I can't ask
not the time
muddied waters
slipping rope


why do I
always feel I
have to be the one
making changes
doing the work
wanting more
can't we both?
isn't that the point?
do I trust myself enough to speak my truth 
having already been told
all the ways that could go wrong?
is this an establishing moment
or not worth the fight
until other things; 
felt sense restored
seventy days 
sixty nine
once was ninety 
is this an extra bad week
wait it out?
dark cloud passing?
or is this it 
for now
and then
is it enough

or can I make it be?

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