Out Of Touch

I wrote this, it caused a reaction, so I took it down.  Sometimes your words and your truth are too much for others to handle, sometimes they shift too many things in people in ways you hadn't intended.  But now, two weeks later, the end of what this started has occurred, so I'm putting my words back up.  Because they're MY truth.  And maybe they'll help someone heal.  And maybe that someone will be me

Ahhh how things can change

in a month, two, all the ups have slipped to memory

felt sense no more

and the fear thoughts, the un-happies,  insecurities, the reality nudges all mumble louder and louder and

too much time

alone

with thoughts 

stuck in my own head

and not enough

of what's wanted

needed? no, helpful,

desired

it all piles up

adds up

so change is needed

and that's my realm I hear

hoping not to have to

and hoping it's positive

not reductive

destructive

it feels difficult

whatever it is

and I'm unsure if I'm to do this one utterly alone

or alone but

at least not unaware

sideline support I hope

this doesn't feel like it should be all on me

but it's all on me

right now

it seems

choice I made

I guess

when I jumped

said yes to it

it being so very right

then

which unfortunately tends to reinforce the pause I usually take

in other things

the pause of safety and caution

because were I able to do so in the realm of my heart

perhaps I would not

so often

find myself here

head between hands

facing fears and uncertainties

I don't understand

truly

what it is I'm supposed to learn

if I lose this one

(because that's the secondary fear, or is it the primary... it's hard to tell you see)

is it a big picture or a little picture lesson I didn't heed

am I to trust and share but walk it on my own

or keep it close, do the work, and perhaps not be as close

for now

to last the while

I want it all

today

but reality isn't

and no one's making a decision like a Montague might

because work

and income

and family

and fear

someone once told me that no relationship works until the one that does

and as much as I want this one

to be that one

I don't trust myself enough

some days

to know I'm right

so I doubt

and I try to overcome that

and I dislike

and dis-enjoy what I miss, what I wish, what I want, would like

do you know in six days, do you really? the cynical mutters

I say yes

I do

I swear I know

but

trust

is hard

scary

difficult

intimidating 

because I've made mistakes before

and what if I've not changed 

enough

to not have made them

this time again

so I pause

and I breathe

and I push myself on

faith, which is fading

quickly some days,

holding it all up myself

-how it feels

fuels the doubt and

they tell me I'm wrong

and I can't ask

not the time

muddied waters

slipping rope

un

available

why do I

always feel I

have to be the one

making changes

growing

bettering

doing the work

wanting more

can't we both?

isn't that the point?

do I trust myself enough to speak my truth 

having already been told

all the ways that could go wrong?

is this an establishing moment

or not worth the fight

until other things; 

felt sense restored

seventy days 

sixty nine

once was ninety 

is this an extra bad week

wait it out?

dark cloud passing?

or is this it 

for now

and then

is it enough

or can I make it be?