Sunday, July 20, 2014

It’s The Little Things That Count

I had a boyfriend once
well, I've had a few, but this one in particular was a long distance thing

We'd met
he'd gone home
we'd talked and talked and talked
and he was able
a month later
to come visit.

It was strange at first, but good in the end and that's not the point
because the point is when he was leaving I knew I'd miss him
knew it'd be hard to be apart for another month
or two
so I asked if I could keep a shirt of his
until he came back

that shirt
of his
the one he looked
sexy in

and he said no

No, it was his favourite shirt
he couldn't leave it with me
and that stung
was not-to-be-ignored red flag number seven or eight
but I was stuffing all the flags away in a drawer
not keeping count but the truth of this all is that
it's the little things
and I knew

I could tell it wouldn't work.

I had another boyfriend
true story, I did
and he had to move
(he chose to move)
for work
and we were going to
make it work
long distance
shorter distance
but still
and I asked for his hoodie

the one he always wore
looked cute in
(looked good on me too)
the one I'd borrowed when he went away for the weekend
that one time
and snuggled
while missing him


I don't remember why
I just remember he said no
while it wasn't
that red of a flag
I'm remembering it now
because it's the little things that matter.

Things are hard with Flynn and I right now
have been for a while
and I've told him before
that it would help me
if I had a hoodie of his
a shirt
something to hold
or be held by
when I wasn't able to see him
was worried
spinning in my head
missing him
or sad

so I asked again
this morning
before I left
eyes puffy from our talks
my fears
that I knew he couldn't give me answers to
and I knew he couldn't be there for me
while he worked
and thought
and tried to sort through things and I knew this week would be hard for me
that I'd struggle with not knowing
not being able to make things the way I want
that I'd miss him
miss feeling like it would maybe just be ok after all
so I asked
not sure what he'd say
but guessing it wouldn't be a no

"could I have a hoodie of yours?"

it's the little things that count
it is
because Flynn
dear Flynn
stood and went and got me a hoodie
from his pile of hoodies
and jackets
and shirts
and pants
came back
held it out to me
handed it to me
as I sat
raw and vulnerable


"I know it's got holes in it and such, but, it's my favourite"

"It's my favourite" he said

What's the opposite of a red flag?
a giant
this is a good thing
kind of flag?

Because Flynn didn't just say no

Flynn said yes
Flynn gave me something that meant a lot to him

I hadn't asked for his favourite
I'd just asked for

a little piece of him to hold
to wear
to wrap around my torso like a hug from him

I'd thought he'd give me one he wouldn't miss
if he'd given me one at all

But Flynn
did more than that

who had reached out for me that morning
laid his hand over my back
to touch me
feel me
first thing
who had been
quiet in his room
trying not to wake me
who had held me as I cried
drawn me close
kissed my forehead

gave me something
I hadn't asked for

Flynn gave me a little piece of him

a minor sacrifice perhaps in the grand scheme of life
but Flynn's the first
he is
it matters
it does

I wish so much I could wrap this story up with a happy ending of U/us living happily ever after forever
and ever
with cherries on top
(and sprinkles)
(and syrup and all sorts of things a little/lot less than vanilla)

but all I know is it's here
his hoodie
and I'm putting it on
being held
by him

because he
with the smallest of things
that he may not even think about
makes me know
that he cares

for real

about me

and that matters

because it's the little things that count

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