Sunday, June 29, 2014

"Why Don't You Own It?"

He asked me why I don't own my sexuality. And I didn't really know how to answer.
But the question's been hovering at the back of my mind since he asked it, and I think I need to figure it out
Not just because it's time
But also because it's time
Because I'm stepping into things
and I need to know why
I need to know what they mean to me
where I'm strong
why I'm strong
how I'm strong.

It makes me panicky to think about it
(But then again, this could be one of those days when everything makes me panicky)

What am I afraid of? Honestly?

Being judged.
By family, friends,
other women, I think... mainly.. yeah, women.

I'm afraid of women calling me a whore
women thinking I'm a slut
women judging me
and saying I'm letting men
use my body
for their pleasure

And maybe I'm afraid of letting men use my body for their pleasure
Why is that a fear?

Because then they're just using me
they're not caring about me
who I am
what I think
my beliefs
they're just using my body
to jerk off
to cum
to think nasty thoughts about
to take pleasure from

And I didn't want that to be
what my body
was used for


and so if I feel like
I'm just being used
by people
it doesn't feel right

but if I'm part of something bigger
part of
a statement?

if I'm part of making art somehow?
saying something
with a different shot
body that's not what's necessarily the norm
my body
and a lens
or my words
and my thoughts being shared
can make something
the rest of it all?
beyond what the fears inside my head tell me "they" will think?
then that feels


I guess that's probably presumptuous of me
or naive
not a model
I'm not a photographer
I’m not a writer
(or so the voices in my head like to tell me)

so, then I don't know what it means
and I'm
not sure
how I feel.


but thinking about it
and talking about it

But can I answer his question yet... why don't I own my sexuality?


I can't quite answer that
except that I'm maybe not sure what I'd do with it if I did.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Thank you for your comments.