Thursday, June 19, 2014

Everything I'm Not

My thighs are a landscape of cottage cheese lumps and I don't like people to see that they're not smooth
or perfect
or thin

My breasts hang heavy
criss-crossed with the veins that lie wild and maze-like
under my Scottish-white skin
they do not perk upwards
or even perk at all
and I don't like people to see that they're not small or pretty
I would rather keep their weighty imperfection to myself

My face didn't use to look this way
these wrinkles
and scars
that freckle that's turning out to be a mole of potential concern
next to the frown line my mouth is forming when I don't think I frown that much, am happy I think, most of the time
which only just
draws attention away from the double chin
and sagging jowls
I thought only old ladies got

I have not carried a child
in my womb
can not say that this body is shaped by the push of motherhood
this body is just shaped by life
these thick thighs are my birthright
as are these calves
that do not fit into sexy boots

Clothes hide the softness where my stomach used to be
smooth and prideful
certain jeans sculpt the behind
I've never really liked
keeps the fat encased
and hidden

I've only ever lived in this one body
ever looking outwards
comparing it to the
smaller ones
younger ones
taller ones
tighter ones
blonder ones
curvier ones
straighter ones
perkier ones
sexier ones
with the eyes that draw you in
and hold your attention
while you drag your chin on the floor begging for just one touch

I have never appreciated
what I was given
and it's hard to start now when I feel bombarded by bodies
half my age
half my size
who point out how fat they feel
in their own skin
and I just want to cry
cry for them
for not seeing their own beauty
and obvious thinness
cry for me
because maybe I'm just doing the same thing
have always done the same thing
did the same thing at their age

I don't know
it's just hard


I am none of these things
I do not like my shape

and how am I supposed to feel sexy
when all I see is this
and them

and no one's telling me any different

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