Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Steel Wall

"All alone, or in twos,
The ones who really love you
Walk up and down outside the wall.
Some hand in hand
And some gathered together in bands.
The bleeding hearts and artists
Make their stand.
And when they've given you their all
Some stagger and fall, after all it's not easy
Banging your heart against some mad bugger's wall."

"You put up this steel wall. And it's gorgeous. Artistically it's gorgeous. But do you know how it feels on the other side? Insurmountable. You look at this amazing, beautiful, overwhelming, enormous wall and you think "I have to climb that?" "

I wear my wounds like an armour
My ex
makes the shield I hold out front

my pain is like a sword
honed by years
on the whetstone that is the memories I feed
each remembered
is like the ringing of the metal
against the stone
sharpening the edge

What confuses me
is how I keep getting hurt

This sword cuts deeply
This armour is heavy
That wall takes effort to maintain, put up.

So why isn't it keeping me safe? Unhurt?
If I'm putting all this effort
into keeping people away
so why do I keep getting hurt? Feeling deep pain?

Ahh but that's the joke, isn't it
It's my Ego that whispers in my ear that I should
shine that armour
hold firm
that shield
stab out with that sword to cut and wound and bleed them all

But it's also my Ego that's laughing behind my back
handing me cardboard cutouts
plastic swords painted carefully to shine

to make me feel safe

So I can get hurt again
and Ego
can win

over and over and over

while kind hearted friends and loved ones
stare at the wall
and I wait for Prince Charming
to slash his way through a hundred year's worth of brambles and kiss me awake

I'm not going to fight this way anymore
my dear
My Ego
my nothing

I'm not fighting you anymore

You lose
I saw through
I'll fight you now
Harder than I ever thought I could

I'll fight you now and you will cower in a corner
because you have not the strength I do

I'll make it swift
a mercy killing

but your head will dry on my walls
next to the sign that tells your cousins, your siblings, your offspring, your wraiths,
Do not bother trying.
No more.

Mr Gorbachev. Tear down this wall.

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