Sunday, March 06, 2016

I Need A Break Now, Thanks

drunk on what was going to be
and all the love wrapped up and around and in between it all

decade after decade til this new one
I'd loved before
but never this
partly because I'd never been so clearly me before
I'd never been open
and the love I met
found me in the depths of my expression
found me in the hauntings of my growth
found me sitting in the ripped out truth of a reality I'd lived by
saw the dirty and the dark bared open
wide open
raw and uncomfortable
shaken and groundless
drawn in part by the energy that flows
from the orange one
the source flowing through and the energy that comes with that to make tales
and prayers of writing
spinning energy into words that channel outwards and upwards and sometimes they feel someone
and the love I met found me there
felt the words
from the place it all connects and was drawn to that
I was neutral
a word listener 
seeing an energy hidden, distant, protected, shielded 
and the front that is presented, unappealing
I got quiet
backed off
we made small plans, no expectations voiced, just felt.  hoped for.  prayed for with words that I did not make up
life flew them through me and something happened between that and the meeting because the unknown left me raw and uncomfortable
fear ran me ragged
trapped for a week away from calm 
travel home 
travel then what if
now what
reach out and forget
and then arrival
and knowing
and feeling
and everything
the love I met was no longer a question
it was no longer a what if on either side it just was
it was a love
and I am drunk on what it was and what it could have been might have been should have been 
a source connection
so pure
beyond anything else it was just a this-is-it-we-are-meant-to-be 
we both knew it
without a doubt
it had found me
and then literally found me
and I knew it
without any fear
or uncertainty
this was everything
this combination
this connection
this togetherness
all we wanted was each other
all we needed was each other
each other's touch
each other's affection
each other's love
seeing each other
holding each other
watching each other
being with each other
It would have been enough without anything more but 
it became expressed through touch
and a sharing of bliss that felt eternal
where that touch both gave and received
and our energies danced above and around us, naked or not
a swirl of souls and spirit and energy between and from us and spiralling out from whatever we were and I knew
this was only the start of what we had both been needing to find
wanting to find
for a very long time
the way we fit together
two givers, collapsing into each other, finding that one who will give them what they crave and need and deserve, 
knowing equally that they will not be taken from, knowing this will be a relationship of balance
the love they're so used to giving without return, often to fill an empty void
that love is being echoed back 
this was everything
for both of us
this was everything
to both of us
the love exchanged was pure and even
as much given as received
as much received as given
we took care of each other, we loved each other, we looked after each other, we thought of each other.  It was about us.  It was the most cyclical of relationships I've known
I made small sacrifices to be next to him more.  To be by his side, against his body, holding and being held by him where I was happiest, most comfortable; a most incredible feeling.
I was just me
and he was just him
and I was happy to sit and watch him be that
and to lie in the comfort of his space through the night
next to him
making love
sleeping deep
waking up
connected and close
so gentle
it would have been enough
to be connected by our energies, our love, our touch
but we found more
shared art forms
shared music
shared caring
shared planning
shared organizing
shared hosting
shared ease
shared smiles and laughs and quiet inside jokes
I was me
on the edge of discovering that one step more
saw him as he is
golden angel winged
I got to see the inside
of what's true
behind the truth projected
sees as his purpose
I saw behind it all
and loved him for that
loved the tears
the hurt
the lost
loved the vulnerable
loved the scared
loved the gentle
and the love
that love found me
that soul found me
that spirit found me
that energy found me
that man found me
we both found what we needed
we both found what we wanted
we both found what we'd hoped for and dreamed for and asked for
It was there
and I loved it
and us
and him
and myself
so very much 
we were never meant to leave each others sides
but he did, felt he had to
back to real life
plans already made
knew if he stayed
he would never leave
but he left us
then he left me
made it my fault
for triggering his past
which is his loss
for projecting
we were going to be
more than everything
we were meant to be
forever forward
God and Goddess
life, love, art, music, sex, intimacy, together, burning, making life imitate art
that was us
would have been
written in stone
I haven't changed
more me than I've been before now
drunk on what should have been
with the clouds
I think are mountains 
some days

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