A Hug

I really like
walking up to you
(when you're
standing there
in your
kitchen)
and pressing in close to you
for a hug

I love how you feel against me
in that moment
and how my face
fits perfectly
against your neck
my head
on your shoulder
my eyes
closed
heart
open
your arms around me
so
quiet and simple
just
us

The Big Pink Blanket

I love you so much for bringing me the big pink blanket the other night.
I needed it
I wanted warmth
Was doing my best
on my own
(which was not as well as I could have been)
You asked
I said no
You asked if I was sure
I said no
You got it for me
It helped me warm up
Which you knew I needed
even if I
wasn't totally sure
or was too stuck in my head
to ask your roommate
It's these little
tiny
moments
where you do something that may seem insignificant
to you
but means
so much
to me

because in it I feel your promise to take care of me
come true

and that builds my trust in you
and shows me that you will take care of me

and sometimes
how you take care of me will be better than how I am taking care of myself

I'm learning this:
when you reach out to help me
it's safe. You make me better.

but

sometimes I need to reach out and ask you for help
and I’m still only hoping that
you'll come through

because right now, when I reach out to ask you to help me?
it's not always safe
you often don’t

maybe I just need to ask louder
sometimes

or maybe you need to hear me
and know that if I'm asking
it's taken a lot for me to get to that point
and I mean it

Like the other month, when I asked you to bring me a bucket
It was almost as hard to ask you to help as it was to know I was going to throw up in front of you.

So thank you for bringing me
the giant pink blanket
last Saturday night

It meant
so much more to me
than you just bringing me a blanket

It meant you saw me
you noticed
you knew
you asked
you cared
you stepped outside of yourself
to notice me
and you
helped me
physically
feel better

which helps me feel better
emotionally

I'm trusting you more

Blood Red

Friends were coming
knocking on the door any minute now
so he pulled out of me
slid out of my pussy
where he was both taking pleasure
and giving it

I sat up
wanting more
wanting friends to wait
and I saw his penis
covered in my blood

He hadn't wounded me, no
quite the opposite
but he had been inside me
while I bled
my period blood
covering his penis

Before, I'd always noticed when a boyfriend had sex with me on my period because it would hurt a little
be
uncomfortable
scratchy

I suppose I was never fully aroused?

But honestly
the blood
covering him
coating his
cock
surprised me

Because I'd forgotten
I was bleeding

He makes me
wet

And the sight of him
covered in blood

was gorgeous
in a shocking
that was art
kind of way

I want that shot on record

It's forever in my mind

Voice

You should hear his voice.

When I've called
and he's asked if I'm ok
and I say
yes
but I really mean
no
and he reads what I've said

the hurt

and his voice turns into a cradle for me to curl up in
safely
a hammock for me to relax into
safely
a cocoon for me to wrap myself into
safely
his voice soothes and holds me and makes it all ok
makes it better
and I need that

You should hear his voice.

When my eyes are closed
and the phone is pressed up against my ear

his voice a boat for me to float in

comfortably
a sail to lead me forward
at the speed he chooses
a fishing line hooked into my energy
pulling
tugging
at times uncomfortable
but then I listen
and hear
and I'm
safe
warm
comforted

his voice
encapsulating me
carrying me
lifting me
holding me
covering me
and I

love that

need that

crave that.