About That Thing

Sometimes when I'm with you I close my eyes

because you get too close to things -

or they seem to move towards us

boxing us in

and I don't want to panic

so I look away 

or close my eyes

I revel in the dark

and the ease of not seeing 

things get far too close

I worry too much

about things I can't control

and you

worry too little

about things that might not be

I'm not sitting where you're sitting

so everything looks different

closer

less spacious

and from your seat

the world is bigger

easier

and

I trust not

what I can't quite see

from my perspective

so

in these situations 

where you maneuver towards

big brick walls 

and

around 

giant blocks of steel

I close my eyes

because it's all too close

and getting closer

and in the dark behind my eyelids

the tilt shift perspective

is entirely gone

so sometimes when I'm with you

I close my eyes

A Sword

You tell me
I'm 

double blind, 

placebo controlled

while I'm making volcanos in my kitchen sink 

because you're not here to talk to

everything used to be simpler

in the times when we weren't there

and I fall in love at the drop of a hat

and let me tell you...

people are dropping hats

all over the place

eyes aren't windows

they're portals you can pass through

and souls shine out through opened eyes

and if you look carefully

you'll find that eyes 

are see

through

I dive into things

into

people

into

feelings

into

lives

into

eternities

I dive into them 

and sometimes you 

have to remind 

me

to dive back out

metaphors are always mixing in my world

and words have more than one side - 

so "double edged" doesn't even begin to cover it

there are 

more stories 

than players

when words mean both nothing

and everything

there's a certain ease to the flow

but getting there isn't easy

double blind, 

placebo controlled

as we are

The Dark Is Afraid of Truth

I leave your house in the dead of night,

scrape the frozen snow off my windscreen
as the racoons call to each other

listen, listen, listen.

I drive home,
the streets empty but for the taxis
and me.
A sad song plays on my car speakers
and I am mission-failed
and sleep deprived.

I wish I could stay calm long enough to not have to yell all the time
I wish you'd listen to the in-between of my words.

I can only push so hard
and the more you say you've 'got my back'
the harder I have to push
to make you go away. 

I'm getting pretty tired.
These dark nights of the soul are getting to me
and it hurts to think you've heard the screaming in my head.

I crave rest.
Like air,
like oxygen.

I have tried so hard.
So hard
always.

Always,
and always through the possibility of (at least) two truths,
two realities ,
and I shift between them;
struggling with the fact I can't be both wrong and right
yet I always seem to be.

How do you expect me to put one foot in front of the other when I've dragged myself this far, pushing you out towards some clarity
when I have none of my own?

I'm so tired
and I have nothing left;

tank empty,

running on fumes,

maybe not even that much.

Upstanding

My silence
is more to do with social media
than a lack of ...

what... admission?

I am angry that I have to join in on the chorus of
#MeToo
and the tear inducing
#IBelieveYou

And while I hold my sisters in the space of love we embody
I reach out too to my brothers
my brothers in arms who are stepping out to say they too
have been on the receiving end of
sex
used as a weapon
sex
used as a tool
sex
used as a means to an end
sex
used as power
sex
used to trap
to hurt
to belittle
to wound

There's no way to make this better today
this goes far beyond a hashtag
far beyond
spreading the word
of how many we are

this doesn't end with

a scandal

a firing

a call out for change

this goes so damn deep

but I digress.

I haven't said #MeToo because I hate the fact that I can
I haven't said #MeToo because I hate the fact I didn't deserve it
I haven't said #MeToo because there's still shame
I haven't said #MeToo because I. Don't.  Want.  To.

I'm sorry for the pain
the pain that something that can and should be so loving
so beautiful
so amazing and joyful and fun
is used
and abused
in this way
by both sides

and always has been

and is allowed.

I'm sorry for anyone who is surprised by the voices
the chorus of strength
and support

I'm sorry if your view of the world has been bruised
by the truth of how so many people
are saying
#MeToo

So don't take my silence
as me being the 1 in 10.
Take my silence as me
keeping my cards
close to my chest
and me
wanting very much
to not be defined
by someone else's choice.

#BreakTheCycle

D and D

D and D

There's an ache
when someone dies
especially when it's
unfair
unexpected
unkind

there's an ache
to make this all count
to not let them down
to live the best life
to live the best life they no longer have

there's an ache
a void
a hollow space so suddenly there

a missing
an empty space you didn't quite know they filled

the bubbles of regret
of missing the things you did not do
did not say
can no longer save for a rainy tomorrow
those bubbles float up from inside
and burst
painfully
with tears
and
hurt
and
sad sad sad

when death comes sudden
and unexpected
after years of hidden silence and unspoken pains
it knocks us all out
the one who goes
and the rest of us
who survive
who remain behind
a little less whole
a little less full

we sit, feeling the sadness of the missing
while waiting for the memories
the joys
the wonder of their life
to fill the space
where the bubbles pop
and the empty
without them
is

You Can't Hear The Laughter In My Head

I'm leaving pieces of myself everywhere
little strips ripped off when I'm not even looking
I pick them up
from time to time
then find another one
wonder that I didn't feel the catch
as it tore
I wander through these spaces
feel a tug, wonder why
and turn to see
yet another little piece of me
that's
left behind

come fix me
I shrug
and, this, this is other news
come fix me with hands
and pressure
and relax me back together
the big pieces
too tight
too taut
too large to be torn into strips
but you
you could fix me
I'm sure of this
but hey
we can't all be convenient I guess

I'll send you signals through the crowd
made with hands and spelled out in digits
letters
numbers
flash it twice and it's
time for us to go
everyone has a different take
and our story is ours
but even then
mine is not yours
and you
are only slightly mine

I'm Not Comfortable In Heels

I wish you'd come and sit in silence with me

your presence enough for me to lean against

just be here

quietly

and hold me up

so I can ease

and breathe

and find that space of comfort

letting go

love used to be simpler

when we were children

when there wasn't such a need

when it was see and speak and know

and marriage was the first step

just like all the movies say

I see it's all relative

all of it

there is only the truth that I

separately

understand

alone

so I wrap myself around you

legs and arms and skin against skin we breathe into each other('s)

space 

no longer

separate

for a time

joined

entwined

not twisted

but curled

and curved together

eternally

externally

internally too

you can share a breath with someone

without losing your own

green, you say, green

gold, I say, gold

and

let me 

turn 

that 

up 

for you

new