Home

I'm home now, having left his place not too long ago

and I'm back into comfy sweats and t-shirt but I'm physically lighter

I'm wet, yes

but I'm also tingly

legs a little jello-y

body far more grounded

why?

Because I have a connection to a soul

and when we have 

calm quiet moments

where I hear his voice through his chest

my ear against his heart

and he runs his fingers

almost absent mindedly

across my back

belly

hips

ribs

I lose tension

I melt against him

the arousal almost secondary in its normalcy

and he asks a question and it feels like a lot of effort to make the sounds come out of my mouth

and I'm home again

but different

having stopped

and breathed

and touched skin against skin

with this soul I'm connected to

this human being full of flaws and frustrations 

and an hour ago I told him "you can ride in my car if you want but I will lecture you" and he laughed as he closed the door because he knows I mean it

and there are things that rub me raw with this one but we are not nothing to each other

and he has magic in him

to me

and so I'm home again now

having left his place not too long ago

and I'm less angry

less frustrated

more calm

more centered

more aroused 

more peaceful

than I was

I let myself be

with him

and his skin

his touch

makes liquid my tension

makes prominent 

my arousal

driving home

nipples hard

not just the Winter air

I wonder if he noticed 

On Fast Cars and Ownership

I don't know what I want anymore.

I thought I did

I thought I did and you showed up and gave me some

gave me a taste

a taste of you

and what I'd always wanted

and then you took it away

and I don't know what I want anymore

I don't know what any of it means

I don't even know who I am

You gave me warnings

said I'd never be able to go back

that a sedan just wouldn't cut it

after you drove me around the track in the fastest car I'd ever seen

and then you left me

not even in a sedan

you just left me

left me to walk

while you sat

naive as I am

was I wrong?

did you lie?

what the hell were you thinking anyway

and who gave you the right 

to say yes

and then no

just because you didn't know the damage you would do

to someone you didn't know

enough

so now I don't know what I want anymore

but I don't want this

I don't want this

perhaps we should fall in love again

you with me

the way it started

you falling

the words tumbling drunkenly out of your mouth and you stopping yourself with an oops

"I didn't mean to say that"

so perhaps we should fall in love again

so you can see how it feels

to be left

or maybe that's it

you already know

and this is your revenge

your taking it out on the rest of us

for her

for you

for the together life stole

maybe the last and the next and I all suffer

because you won't love

you'll only leave

just tell me this

tell me you won't drive the next one

fast around the track

and leave her walking

and not knowing what she wants

Fucking Freezing

It was cold in the tent that night

so cold we could see our breath

we'd brought the water in

in hopes of keeping it from freezing

so we wouldn't have to start a fire

to melt the water

before using it for washing

cooking

morning things

We hadn't brought enough blankets

a sleeping bag under and over

but open

so the cold seeped in

and we were naked

as always

and huddled close

as if our bodies

would somehow find warmth in each other 

you complained that my feet were blocks of ice

and I reminded you that this camping trip was your idea

middle of Winter

campground closed

fucking freezing

I can see my breath you dork

and I don't remember how it started

because we always had sex in bed at night

so I don't remember how you started to touch me

or how I started to touch you

perhaps there was the old gem of “you know how I could warm my hands?”

I remember you slid into me

and the blankets fell off

and we laughed and pulled them back on because it was that cold

and when you finished

and collapsed on top of me I begged you to get off

"Too hot!  Too hot!" 

and the blankets were miles away

other side of the tent because we'd made our own heat

of bodies

and sex

and

we lay there 

steam rising off of us

pulling blankets and covers back on top of us before the cold could find us again

and I lay next to you, arm over you

against you

it was the best sleep I've ever had

freezing fucking's so damn sweet

A Beautiful Disaster

You
are a beautiful disaster
my
beautiful disaster
I watch you through the window as you lift your cigarette to your mouth
something poetic 
in the way your broken fingers hold the cigarette
and it takes me a minute to realize
you're not talking to yourself
you're having a conversation with the spider who lives on your porch
the same way I talk to the spiders in my apartment
as I'm trying to escort them out the door

you don't see you're the only one who sees the caved in cheekbone where one fist too many made impact
because I only see the tired in your eyes as you take the last drag, stretch it out into two inhalations
before you come back inside
close the door
tilt your head to the side like an inquisitive puppy
your sad eyes echoing your voice as you ask me what it is I'm looking at

you are a beautiful disaster
and it breaks my heart
to watch you as your broken fingers
lift another cigarette 
ten minutes later
to the mouth I used to want on me


those broken fingers have held my own fingers between them

have
stroked smooth along my back

rubbed deep into my neck and shoulders as I tried to keep the whimpers muffled by the pillow

have pushed my hair behind my ear 

your beauty is your scars
and how you don't let them wear you

and I'm watching the end of something out that window
because disasters pass
and beauty
lasts eternal
Helen 
Joan
David
Goliath
Arc
Troy

so join me here
and we'll look back
at broken fingers
caved in cheekbones
and see nothing
but the strength
lion pride
that came out of it

Burning

you know that feeling when the entire room seems to collapse around you and it's just the two of you there even though you can hear the mingled voices of the other guests

and there's this electricity you feel

and it hovers between the two of you

making heat where you're not touching

and breathing is harder

the air somehow becoming thinner, rarefied

and those breaths come quicker

you need that oxygen to keep you from the buzzing in your ears

and even through your clothes

you can feel the heat of him

and you are burning up

just right there

right there where you haven't touched yet

until you both notice everyone else has left

made their excuses

perhaps hurried on by the way the room is sucked dry of breathable air

made somehow uncomfortable by what isn't going on

because nothing is going on

you two haven't touched all night

have just been

sitting there

next to each other

nothing but

pheromones and electric magnetic wanting

and then the door closes and it's just the two of you in the room

the small

dark

dorm room

and you've never liked each other

ever

but you slam against each other so hard and fast your teeth hit 

and then breathing's just a means to an end because you have to feel what he feels like

hard flesh against the fly of his jeans

your breast

pressed into the grip of his fist

his other hand

pulling your hair back and away as he holds you

and your breath

tight

against the stubble of his beard

lips

mouth

pressing

I need you

never said out loud

just through touch

only touch

fingers sliding 

wet 

hard

warm 

touch
yes